For a long time I wrestled with what to write on this blog. Forgiveness has never been a strength for me. I’ve never been a particularly forgiving person and people that have fallen foul of the three strikes rule never get a second chance with me.
So, it’s a tough break when you’ve fallen foul of your own three strikes rule. I mean, look at it. Strike one – miscarriage, strike two – infertility and then strike three – hysterectomy. It’s tough coming back from that.
When it came to forgiving myself and my body for not being able to provide the family I wanted, it was an uphill battle. I mean, when we know that my partner is fit and healthy and could have children with someone else, it’s very hard to sit with the uncomfortable truth that I’m the problem.
It took many years of self-analysis to get comfortable with forgiving myself for the miscarriage. We had tried so hard for children (three years by anyone’s reckoning is a long time to try for something) and then when I lost the child after eight weeks, I was my own harshest critic. My partner never, ever blamed me. He didn’t have to, I was doing enough of that myself!
So when I fast forwarded 20 months later (less than two years!) to the consultation when I was informed that children just wouldn’t be something I could do naturally, I still hadn’t forgiven myself. I was still blaming myself for something that was beyond my control and felt as though the Endometriosis was a penance for a crime I wasn’t aware I’d committed.
And yes, when I then needed to have a hysterectomy some 32 months later, I still felt that these things were my fault. Somehow, through my own unwillingness to forgive myself I had manifested the Adenomyosis that would lead me to be able to barely move due to the referred pain in my hips and back.
It’s an uncomfortable and shitty feeling when you know that you are the cause for there being no children in your lifestyle. I’ve got friends that berate themselves for not settling with the man that wasn’t good enough to stay with, but would’ve provided children potentially. I mean I still wonder if I had started for children sooner…But hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it? Coulda, woulda, shoulda…
There’s no cure for regrets, other than learning to forgive ourselves for our perceived mistakes. At the end of the day we did what we thought was right at the time. But, here’s the thing, forgiveness is often the hardest thing to do – because you have to start liking and loving yourself enough to let it go. You have to stop the nasty little internal dialogues that tells you you’re not good enough and don’t deserve or didn’t deserve the lifestyle you’ve strived so hard to get. You did! You just couldn’t get there for the myriad of reasons we’re affected by.
There’s no easy answer to this one – you just have to be aware it’s happening and start working on liking what makes you, you.
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